the abiltity to take pictures

i've probably read joan didion's the year of magical thinking three times at this point. i can't say for sure because it's the kind of book i return to time and again when i need it. it's the kind of book i need.

yesterday i went to visit it to find this passage:

"why had he forgotten to bring his note cards to dinner that night? had he not warned me when i forgot my own notebook that the ability to take a note when something came to mind was the difference between being able to write and not being able to write?"

can the same be true of photography? if i get the urge to photograph something and can't do it, even if i write the idea down, can i still make the same picture later? will i still want to make that picture anymore? did i lose it forever? i've been holding several pictures in my head these last few weeks, but how long can i hold them?

i worry about pictures i've already made too: if i shoot a picture and leave the image latent on the film, why did i take it at all? sometimes i think i just shoot to feel the weight of a camera in my hands, to see the world cropped through a rectangle. silver on plastic. magic in a box. if you can call light magic.

i've accumulated a small pile of film to process now. i couldn't tell you anymore what secrets it holds. i don't know if i still want to know.